The Movie Taser

After a long hiatus, my wife and I finally returned to the movie theater to see Iron Man 2. I can’t even remember the last time I went to see a movie, maybe Avatar, who knows, not important.

As I was sitting there waiting for the show to start, I noticed a rather obnoxious group of teenagers in the back making snarky comments. Now, to be fair, they only talked during the previews and did not do anything to disrupt the movie. However, there is never a dull moment in my mind when the wheels are spinning and their yapping gave me a great idea; The Movie Taser.

I’ve had some experience working security at an NBA arena and I can tell you that we guards were, for the most part, are not really equipped to handle an unruly fan. In fact, perhaps I’ll share my top moments as a security guard on this blog…but that is for another day. The point is, if someone really wanted to challenge us, we wouldn’t have much recourse in the moment. The same holds true for movie ushers. They walk in with their little orange flash light, adjust the air or the sound, and if people are talking and what have you, they ask them to keep it down. Most of these ushers are like 17-18, tops and just don’t have the authority to throw out a gabbing group of teens. So, why not tase them? It wouldn’t have to be the full shock you get from a normal taser, just a little something to subdue them and allow them, and others to enjoy the show. Simple, yet remarkably effective.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I too, was one of these teens. But here’s the difference…we were funny! Our comments were always well-timed and appropriate. None of this constant yapping about nothing in particular…no, for us, it was an art form, not an annoyance. I can’t speak for the “old people” in the theaters we were in, but we were never not once asked to be quiet or to leave. So, I rest my case.

Some will argue that the potential is there for more “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” incidents in the middle of a theater. That is why I suggest we go the extra step and insert a mini taser into each chair. An usher can observe from above and anyone who causes a stir gets a little zap. No causing a scene, no anger, nothing like that, just a little shock to subdue the chatterbox in the back.

Moviegoers will thank me later once this catches on.