This is Country Music

Off the heels of my first book review, I figured it'd be time for me to have a music review.

Let me start out by saying two things: 1) I rarely if ever buy music anymore. 2) I am the last guy in America that still buys CDs as his primary source of music. I own an MP3 player. It's not made by apple. It was a stupid purchase. It's worthless now. Every time I think of buying an ipod and putting my music on it, I find the task of transferring the music to be just absolutely dreadful. Ok, so that was like 7 or 8 things. Bottom line, I still buy CDs, so, thank you CD makers for continuing to throw me a bone.

Onto the review...

I have been a Brad Paisley fan from the beginning. Ever since I heard his first few CDs I've been hooked. His albums always have a good mix of ballads and good-time songs. He's got a little bit of everything on there for his audience and he is a guitar virtuoso.

One of the things you can count on Brad Paisley for is an album every other summer and so, this summer brought us This is Country Music.

The title track on the album is very well-written and very appropriate for the audience. Country music appeals to so many people because it tells a story, and there are a lot of people out there that can identify with the stories of struggle and triumph often found in country music. The title track accomplishes all of this and is very well done.

Another staple of Paisley's work is the guest-stars he has on his albums. His second track, "Old Alabama" features one of the best country bands of all-time, Alabama. He also has duets on there with Carrie Underwood "Remind Me" and Blake Shelton "Don't Drink the Water." He even manages to get a cameo from Clint Eastwood!

All of the songs on the album are very well written. He is one of those artists that I think sits down and says "let's write a song about Camouflage" and that's exactly what he does.

I would say that this album is a must-own for any country music fan. My favorite songs are:

Don't Drink the Water
Camouflage
This is Country Music
Old Alabama
Remind Me
A New Favorite Memory of You

At first I can honestly say I was not sold on the album, but after a few listens it is easily one of my favorites of his. As I said before, he gives you a little bit of everything, making it a very well-rounded album.

So turn it on. Turn it up. And sing along!

The Last Lecture

If you knew you were not long for this world, and you had to deliver one or several key messages to those you loved and cared about most in this world, what would you say? What would you want people to remember most about you or what you had to say? What does it mean to leave a legacy?

This was the challenge, "brick wall", or better yet opportunity that Carnegie Melon professor Randy Pausch was presented with after he was diagnosed with cancer several years ago.

Pausch has been gone for three years now and while that may mean that I am late to the party as far as reading this book goes, its message is no less relevant today than it was when it was first delivered.

Pausche, then 47, was faced with the reality that his time on this earth was nearly over and that, among other things, he would not be around to be a husband to his wife and a father to his three children, the youngest being 18 months old.

It is with this backdrop and seemingly the weight of a family he would not be around to support that he delivered his last lecture.

Speaking to a large group, or writing something that many will read presents a profound challenge, and that is, the challenge to be profound. Sometimes the spoken or written word gives people the opportunity to pull something extraordinary out of the ordinary. To say or write something that will cement that person in the hearts and minds of those he or she touched with their words. This was the case with the book The Last Lecture that Pausch wrote, based on the presentation he gave at Carnegie Melon. What's most amazing to me is that the book is almost seamlessly profound. That he just lived his life in a certain way, because he knew no other way and would not entertain the idea of living some other way...particularly after his diagnosis. Leaving a lasting legacy of both words AND deeds that can pierce the hearts and minds of those who read his book, or listen to his speech.

In the book, there were several things that really stood out to me that I find to be quite meaningful pieces of advice and/or examples of how to handle both difficult situations and situations that we deem difficult (because we may not know how difficult things can truly be and sometimes can't see beyond the end of our own nose).

We cannot change the cards we're delt, just how we play the hand.

It's simple, and it has been stated before. In the movie Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams character Sean is chastised by Will (played by Matt Damon) the protagonist for "playing one hand and cashing in his chips" after Sean's wife passed. To this Sean replies "hey, at least I played a hand." The discussion goes on, but the principle remains the same, we just can't change what happens to us, only how we deal with it. Another book that address is this is called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." Under the main title in the book the words "and it's all small stuff" appear. It's a lesson that has great meaning for me and something I continue to battle and work on as I see what's in my hand.

When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody is bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they love you and care about you and want to make you better.

The quote is a reminder that self assessment and improvement is not only a reality of life, but it is necessary for proper growth and perspective. One of the most challenging things to do as an adult with an ego is say "I could do such and such better" or, "I could improve my approach to this or that better." Even worse, if we are truly interested in self improvement, we should be asking the question of those that care for us most "what can I do better?" The context of the quote comes from a demanding coach he had...and at some point in all our lives, we'll encounter a Coach Grahm. There will be people that we meet in life both personally and professionally that will be hard on us...we just have to hope that these people continue to care enough about us to be hard on us.

My first boss was very demanding and very tough to work for...especially for a kid right out of college, but one of my managers and good friends reminded me that once you can learn how to deal with mean, you can learn to deal with a lot of other things. It's a good lesson and reminder.

Goals

There isn't one quote from the book that stands out to me about the many goals that Pausch was able to achieve in his life, but more that he worked hard to reach them. I feel like I heard or read a quote somewhere that said "Goals are stars to steer your life by, not sticks to beat yourself with." (Barbara Smith?).

Achieving goals as an adult  is a tricky thing. I have personal goals, professional goals, dreams and other such things I want to do or see in my life. Will I ever realize any of my goals or dreams? I sure hope so, but until I do, I'll continue to use them to steer my life, not negatively judge myself. Also, the older I get, the harder it becomes to balance work, life, and goals. Pausch is a good example of sticktuitiveness and drive in acheiving his life goals.

The Brick Walls are There for a Reason

Ain't that the truth!

One of the more poigniant parts of The Last Lecture is the concept of the Brick Wall. Pausch notes that the brick walls in life are there for a reason...they're there for the people who don't want things as bad as we do.

One of the benefits of being a kid, and I can even see this example shining through in both my 3-year-old and 1-year-old, is that kids don't know what they can't do. That's why kids dream so big. Somewhere along the way in life we learn our limitations. We either find them out through personal experience, or we find people that tell us what our limitations are, or should be.

When we find ourselves standing in front of a brick wall, it is up to us to figure out how to navigate around it. Some brick walls take more time to navigate, but when we get around them, we'll feel a sense of accomplishment and eventually understand why that brick wall was placed in front of us. As my dad once said to me, "if you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you're right."

Don't Obsess Over What People Think

Guilty!

Watch What They Do, Not What They Say

Several months ago I was asked to go shovel snow at my church. Typically I would've found a way out of the task. As I sat and thought about it, my thoughts turned to a specific friend of mine who is always thinking of and serving others. I thought, "what would he do?" I immediately realized what I needed to do and I loaded up my shovel and headed out. It's one thing to say you want to help others and do service. It's a whole other thing to actually follow through with it. Pausch, my buddy, and countless others have taught me how important actions are in determining who we really are.

This applies across everything we do, including the workplace. So many times, people say the right things, but when it comes right down to it, they find ways to place the blame on others and not be available to help when the solution is put in place. It's a measure of who we are, and we have to ask ourselves...who do we want to be?

Loyalty is a Two Way Street

Amen!

Know Who You Are

The entire book is filled with examples of a man who knew who he was and lived his life in a way that reflected that. Whether it was fulfilling his own dreams, helping others fulfil theirs, showing strength and optimism when the situation did not call for it, and many other things, Pausch showed us time and time again what it means to live life to the fullest and what it most important in life.

If you haven't read the book, I would suggest doing so. If you've gotten this far in this blog post and have some time, please watch all or part of the embeded video of the Last Lecture.

Though he is no longer with us, I will always respect Randy Pausch for living his life the way that he did so that I could read about it and try to live my life better.

Thank you Randy.

Up in the Air Part II

Coming back from a trip is a funny thing. The minute you walk in the door, and after the 3 or 4 subsequent days that you don't unpack, it feels like you never left. All that said, the gettin there and the gettin back can make for some fun times.

This post is a sequal to Up in The Air, which was posted after my last trip.

The flight out was pretty uneventful. Though while waiting in the terminal, I observed that people really seem to enjoy standing in lines, clusters, or bunches. Otherwise, why would they stand up there if there zone has not yet been called. In the case of the flight I was on, the people waiting for the plane quite literally created a wall around the door that made it very difficult for anyone in zone 2 and 3 to break through.

Boarding in Zones is kind of an interesting concept as well. One thing I've never really understood is why the plane gets boarded from the front to the back. Now I understand that those first class folks (and from what I can tell most of them are first class all the way -eyeroll) want to sit and sip their club sodas in their big comfy chairs, but don't they realize that all of us coachers are looking at them and just resenting them the whole time we walk by their 6-8 rows of in-flight bliss.

As my plane was getting ready to land, the fasten seatbelt sign flashed to signal to everyone "hey the plane is landing in like 5 minutes," which prompted one guy to literally get up, and sprint through first class to the bathroom. I thought, "we're going to land the plane with this guy in the bathroom...I hope he likes a dash of blue water on his clothes."

The trip back was a real life lesson in inefficiency. At the SLC airport, they have what is called a family line. The family line  is a seperate line set aside for two reasons: 1) to allow families traveling with small children to get through security without incident and 2) to prevent other passengers from being held up by families and their 75 things they're taking with them. In SLC, the line also serves as the means by which airport personnel get to the terminal. I cannot begin to express to you how dumb I think this is.

So, we get there and there are two "families" standing in front of us. One of them is a mother and daughter combo. The daughter is at minimum 14...small children? I had no issue with the other family, but during the time we were waiting to get to the security scanner, quite literally 20 airport employees walked through ahead of us. Then, a nice 18 year old kid who worked for the airline wheeled an older lady up to the front of the line. That's cool, I'm a fan of the elderly...but then we hear from the back "wait! wait! wait!" and up comes 4-5 people who are apparently traveling with said elderly women. None of them have problems mind you, and none of them cared enough to push her, but they were all apparently important enough to go to the front of the line.

Once we got through the first part of security, the cutting really began. Several airport employees were very litterally shoving my stuff backwards on the conveyor belt to make room for their stuff. After about 15 people did this, I got a hair irritated. I started forcing the issue with my stuff and stopped short of the ole talking loudly trick (you know, the one where you say something to someone else with you so that the offender can hear you loud and clear).

We finally made it through, and ended up sitting in front of someone who thought he was Larry the Cable Guy...he was just full of one-liners and whoppers...and really made me glad to be sitting in front of him. All in all it was another great opportunity for people watching...

Wrapping Up Christmas

On December 26th, my two-year-old woke up to see what presents Santa had brought for her that day. The previous day was Christmas, and of couse she was showered with gitfs so she couldn't wait to see what the next day held in store for her. When she realized that Christmas comes but once a year, and that that day had indeed past she said "time to take down the tree, Christmas is over." And so it was.

It has been very interesting, funny, and educational to see how others handle Christmas. From trying to figure out how soon is too soon for the tree to go up, or for Christmas music to start playing throughout the house, to when to take it all down and store it for another year, everyone seems to do it just a little different.

I've always loved the holidays. Growing up (and even while I was in college) it meant that I literally didn't have to do anything for about two weeks. I can remember as a kid getting up on Christmas morning one year and being done with my present opening and running to the neighbor's house to see what my friends got...but they were all still sound asleep!

Outside of the religious aspects of course, Christmas for me is about traditions. We're trying to establish our own family traditions and it isn't always easy. This year, I decided that I was going to read "The Night Before Christmas" and have that be something I do every year. Though my kids are still too young to sit through that kind of thing, it's still kind of fun to do.

One of my favorite parts about the holidays is all the Christmas movies that are on. The one that for me stands the test of time is Christmas Vacation. That movie is not only fantastic, but so quoteable and it just puts a smile on my face whenever it is on. "Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now." Classic!

We just finished our last Christmas/New Year's tradition of the season, Divinity! This stuff is so ridiculously yummy that I can't even handle it. I could eat my weight in this stuff...in fact, I may have already! But that is what New Year's Resolutions are for!

I hope everyone out there had a safe and happy holiday. I look forward to more fun posting and sharing in the New Year.

-  The Loose Change Guy

The Treat Threshold

It starts with Halloween, and it ends with Valentines day. We are currently right in the middle of the parade of treats. It happens every year, and you know what I'm talking about don't you? The weather gets a little cooler, the clothes we wear might be a bit more baggy and there will be more of them...so it becomes less necessary to be in shape perse. Oh sure, we have a shape, but it usually goes from a cucumber to a pear...or in my case, a small pear to a big pear!

The thing I've noticed about this time of year is that every holiday or occasion usually involves a treat of some kind. The problem is, by the time you've consumed too much, it's too late. You have passed the treat threshold!

Let's take some of my favorite treats individually and break down their threshold, shall we?

Halloween:

Candy Corn - Candy corn is one of those treats that used to be seasonal. These days you get pastel candy corn at Easter and red, white, and blue on the fourth of July. However, most treat purists such as myself reserve candy corn for Halloween, the holiday for which it was intended. Candy corn is often grabbed by the handfuls and shoved into ones mouth. By then, it's too late. A few handfuls later, your belly aches and your mouth feels like you'll never be able to get all the sugar off your teeth.

Reece's Peanut Butter Cups - I'm pretty sure I could eat these year round, and I often do. In fact, I requested a peanut butter cup cake for my birthday this week. It was yuuuuuuummmmmmmy! While there may be a threshold for this treat, I will choose to ignore it because it is so good!

Thanksgiving:

Chocolate Moose Pie - This is another one where you really have to ask yourself, is too much of a good thing a bad thing? Let's be honest with each other here, by the time you get to pie on Thanksgiving, you're already stuffed. You just do it because it is the big payoff at the end of a good meal. I think there's some part of each of us also that sees 1, maybe 2 pieces of pie left that makes us say "I must have." Once that second piece of pie is consumed, immediate regret follows. Eat one piece of pie this thanksgiving, you'll thank me later!

Christmas:

Sugar Cookies - Again, something that we see throughout the year, but somehow the idea that we're making them for Santa and the Reindeer, makes it okay for us to eat and eat and eat annnnnnnd eat! And the frosting on these? Get right out of town! It is fantastic!

Divinity - True to its name, divinity is quite divine. These small white puffy treats seem relatively innocuous, but eat 7 or 8 of them and you'll be feeling the pain.

Valentines Day:

Message Hearts - Much like candy corn, this seasonal treat is consumed by the handful, often rendering the eater too late once he or she has eatin too many. Not only do these hearts say "Text Me" they also say "roll me out of here!"

So there you have it, the treat threshold. If eatin in proper amounts, these treats can all be quite tasty and useful, but if overeatin, hello couch, hello cavities, hello hurtin! You'll spend the next 6 months wishing you had listened to me as you run on that treadmill. Don't cross the treat threshold!

What The...? Part II

I was just minding my own business walking through the kitchen at work when something caught my eye. It's not every day that you see a toilet brush sitting under the vending machine. Much like my last What The...? I am left to ask myself how the heck it got there?

It's like my brother always tells me (and now I'll totally butcher the saying) you can learn a lot by just paying attention.

Candy Bar anyone?

Up in the Air

As I sat in the waiting area at my gate I took a good look around to observe my surroundings. After said quick glance I logged on to Facebook from my Blackberry and wrote “All the Crazies Congregate at the Airport.” It takes all kinds to travel, that’s for sure and to state the even more obvious, everybody’s going somewhere!


Here are a few things I took note of during my travels.

One thing I noticed right off the bat is how rude people are at the airport. I don’t know if this has more to do with the fact that they hate to travel, hate crowds, hate lines, hate where they’re going, hate the fact that their vacation is over etc…

The first act of rudeness I witnessed was in the security line. The gentlemen in front of me looked like a normal dude, not too many cares in the world. He loaded his stuff on the conveyor belt and proceeded to tip toe/skip through the metal detector. Not surprisingly, it set off the alarm, so he went back. Before the machine reset, he walked through again. This process was repeated several more times before the guard finally said, “Sir, you need to be patient and not skip through the machine.” He finally got the idea and made it through, but not without throwing in a little ‘tude’. Why someone would give the person who controls whether or not you get through security some good guff is beyond me.

Several minutes later the same guy was at the ticket counter looking irritated and shaking his head at the gate agent. Again, here is a person who controls what seat you sit in on the plane. You want to be rude? Fine, enjoy sitting in between twin brothers husky and chunky.

As the people all filed in to the waiting area, I noticed a family of 5 coming in. They looked unassuming enough until I realized that one of their pieces of luggage was actually their dog. “Oh boy” I thought. Look, I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and while I’m sure nobody wants to be on the plane with them when they are flying, I would much rather have a crying baby that at least could maybe be soothed rather than a cooped up flea bag dog. Folks, if you’re gonna fly, leave the pets at home. They’re not your children and they can manage for a week without you. You pay your neighbor kid $100 to feed and walk the dog for the week and vuala, no barking carry on.

When I boarded the plane I got stopped for security screening. That was fine, I appreciate them doing their job, though I must say when they opened my suitcase I thought “alright, go ahead, but you gotta jam everything back in there when you’re done, don’t look at me!”

Finding one’s seat is always a joy, but even better than that is watching others find theirs. I like the people who put their carry on 10 rows behind where they’re actually sitting. It gives them two opportunities to swim upstream and makes life wonderful for the rest of us. Speaking of carry ons…remember when a carry on was a backpack? Purse? Computer? Ha, not anymore! Nowadays people (including myself) cram as much stuff as they possibly can into these mini suitcases. It makes for some good pre-flight entertainment watching people struggle to put their stuff in the overhead compartment.

Once you’re in the air, the fun really begins. You don’t really realize how not spacious your seating area isn’t until somebody leans their seat back into your personal bubble. From here you could pretty comfortably give them a head massage…if you’re into that sort of thing. Also, I’m not sure what people expect when they lean their seats back…a full recline? I’m sitting there watching these two bozos in front of me push and push and push their seats back. Listen fellas, pushing harder isn’t going to make your seat go back any further, just put your head back and enjoy your neck pain like the rest of us.

By far my most favorite part of flying is the fasten seat belt sign. When that thing flies off it’s as though someone has just proclaimed “gentlemen, start your engines!” Even better is when the fasten seatbelt light goes back on there’s a mad rush to the bathroom. “We’re experiencing some turbulence, please sit down.” Apparently to the average flyer, this translates to…”last chance to pee before we potentially meet our maker if this thing goes south.” Let’s be honest here, if the plane goes down, I’m not going to be all that worried about my bladder. In a free fall or crash, the ole bladder will take care of itself.

I also like how they tell you you’re getting in ahead of schedule. Here’s a statement that truly means nothing, because once you’re on the ground, you have to taxi to your gate, then stand up with everyone, wait for swim up stream guy, deplane, and then go get your bags. I would bet that nine times out of ten, it all evens out. Save your empty promises Mr. Flight Attendant.

Once you deplane, you head to the baggage claim...which is kind of like the island of misfit toys for grown ups. Flight after flight goes in and out of the airport and even when the airport is totally empty, there are still 10-15 bags on the conveyor belt. Where are these people? Was what they packed not important enough to pick up once they got there?

I’m finding that I like flying less and less. The people, the time, the experience, not a lot of fun, but hey, at least I get a free bag of 4 small pretzels to snack on!

Me on American Idol

Last night wrapped up another season of American Idol. It was the culmination of a process that started probably last summer or fall with thousands upon thousands of people auditioning for their one shot at fame and fortune.

Idol has been going on 10 seasons now and in that time I have gone from being in the age-appropriate bracket to audition to now being no longer eligible. But it made me wonder, really, could I have been a contestant on American Idol?

If this show had been around when I was in high school, I don’t think there is any question that I would’ve auditioned. I think me and all my friends would have gone to the closest audition locale and camped out if need be to audition. I think I can honestly say that that time represented the height of my singing confidence…maybe a few years beyond like 21-23 somewhere in that range. This is not to say that I am not confident in my ability now, it’s just that sometimes when you are that young you still don’t know what you can’t do, and that’s a good thing.

So, here’s what my audition would’ve looked like in, let’s say, anywhere between 1998-2002 (I understand it started in 02, but had it been around when I was younger…you get what I’m saying, just go with it) :

Me: “Hi my name is Andrew and I’m going to be singing ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ by Oasis. “

(Singing)

Randy: “I don’t know dog…I’m not sure the Brit-pop is really your thing man…it was good, not great. It was just alright for me”

Paula (still on the show): “I thought it was just marvelous, I could really tell that you really didn’t want the person you were singing to, to look back in anger.”

My internal dialogue: “Right, well, I just like Oasis.”

Guest Judge Rob Thomas: “I think you did good man, I think you’ve got a good sound, you just need to work on your wardrobe.”

Simon: “Frankly Andrew (pronounced ON-drew) I thought it was a bit boring and forgettable. I mean, you’ve got a decent voice, but what else is there? This is something you might see at a high school senior solo night or something..."

Randy: “Alright, Simon yes or no?”

Simon: “It’s a no from me.”
Randy: “Rob Thomas…?”
Rob Thomas: “Yeah man, I’m going to give you another chance.”
Randy: “Paula Abdul…?”
Paula: “A million percent YES!…”
Simon: “Then it all comes down to you Randy…”
Randy: “I don’t know dog…”
Me: “Come on Randy; give me one more chance…”

Randy: “Alright, it’s a yes from me, WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD!”

So there you have it, I think I was good enough to make it to Hollywood, but not much beyond that. While I think I can carry a tune pretty well, and it was good enough to sell about 30 Tapes of the infamous band Tandem, I don’t think I’d have the range or the chops to hang with the idol hopefuls in Hollywood…particularly the group numbers. My response would be… “Wait, we have to dance? Nobody said anything about dancing.” Plus, my song choices probably wouldn’t have been to Simon or Randy’s musical proclivities…James Taylor, Oasis, Counting Crows, the Wallflowers, the Beach Boys etc…

Oh well, the best part about never auditioning is being able to sit back on my couch and say, “oh yeah, I’m totally better than any of these clowns.”

As for Seacrest, I bet he would’ve liked me…

A Farewell to LOST

Six years ago, when LOST started, I was a bachelor fresh out of college looking to make my way in this world as a temp. Several “real” jobs, and six years later, I am a married father of two, and as the LOST journey comes to and end, I feel like in many ways my own is just beginning. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t view this show as life-changing or life-altering. It’s a TV show, so you have to have some perspective there, but, I do feel in a lot of ways like I have taken part in something that at the very least, won’t soon be repeated and I feel that I owe it a proper send off.

The reviews for the finale have come in mixed. They range from “this changed the way I view the afterlife” to “I can’t believe I wasted six years on this nonsense.” To each his or her own, I suppose. The one thing I find puzzling on some level about the dissatisfied fraction of viewers is that this is a sci-fi and faith based show…and you expected all the answers? That’s not realistic. Heck, that’s not even reality,! Life so rarely delivers effortless answers. Some of the greatest movies ever made, books ever written, or stories ever told leave a lot up to the imagination. Some people don’t like that, but for me, I like the fact that the door was left open just enough for us to come up with answers and resolutions in our own minds as to what really happened. To me, that’s a winner…especially living in the “real” adult world where the use of ones imagination isn’t often encouraged but rather, we are to do our jobs, go through our routine’s and return and repeat. Cogs in the wheel.

The one thing that LOST did really well, or should I say the writers of LOST did really well over the last 6 years was that it changed the perspective of the show on the viewer and required the viewer to see things through a different lens. Some walked away frustrated with the final season because they looked at the end and said “oh, so they were all dead anyway, that’s dumb.” No, they weren’t and no it’s not dumb. In any show, when you are given new information, you have to reevaluate from the point on where you learn the new info. You can’t just apply it to where you’re at and reach your conclusions. That’s kind of silly. You can learn a lot by simply paying attention! LOST writers and producers kept people guessing for a reason. I suspect that if you go back and watch the entire show, knowing what the end-game is, you’ll probably pick up on subtle hints that were dropped throughout and now that you are viewing it through the proper lens, you might find that you like it a little better. Then again you might not, that’s your choice…your, free will (if you will!)

In the end the show was about redemption and it was about the relationships that you build in life and the importance of holding on to those relationships. It also focused on the power of choices. You can choose one path or you can choose another, but either way, you choose. I’ll admit, I’m not nearly as good a friend, brother, or son as I probably have been in the past. Life gets in the way, we all move on. Some of the characters received a grand redemption on the show and others received theirs in very subtle ways. So too goes the pattern of our lives. We have our ups and we have our downs, but in the end, it still comes down to people, particularly the ones we surround ourselves with and how we treat them. Hanging on to grudges and negative feelings don’t help us progress, in fact, quite the opposite, they become an albatross that we have to overcome but only can do so once we are ready to face that challenge and make that choice. For each person, it comes in its own place and its own time.

Did LOST change my world view? Nope. It just reminded me that I needed to make sure I maintained perspective, which I often struggle with. So, farewell Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Ben, Locke and the rest of you! It has been one heck of a ride.

The Office Refrigerator

If our world is ever invaded by another species, they won’t be from another planet or solar system…nope, they’ll be home grown, in our office refrigerators!

It seems that no matter where you go, the story is always the same. The road to a non-smelly office refrigerator is paved with good intentions and yummy leftovers, but we never get there. Why? Because food is abandoned, left to fester both labeled and unlabeled for days, weeks, months, and yes, probably years before anything is done.

I’m sure nobody means to forget about that half an egg-salad sandwich that they leave in the fridge for a month, it just happens…but it does happen. In offices all across America, leftovers are brought in daily, presumably for lunch consumption. For some, the routine never changes, you come in, you leave your lunch, you pick it up round noon-time, you eat and you return the next day and repeat. But for others, the process is not nearly as easy. Two questions immediately jump to mind here. First, what made you think that an egg-salad sandwich would be good as a left over…or in some cases a first-over to begin with? Second, how does one just forget his or her lunch? I mean, it’s almost like the people who just leave their luggage on the conveyer at the airport. Where the heck are those people? One day, sure, I get that…maybe even two. But I can’t imagine that someone would put something in a refrigerator and then just forget they put it there…what kind of sense does that make? What about the next time you put something in…you might see it or at the very least, have your memory jogged. I gotta tell you, it nearly sounds intentional, like food terrorism.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At a previous employer, the refrigerator was to be “cleaned out” on the first day of every month, yet surprisingly, on the second day of the month; the fridge looked just as full and smelled just as gross as it did on the last day of the previous month. Curious isn’t it? Not only that, but whenever we would have corporate lunches, there would usually be an excess of leftovers, which is fine, BUT, someone has to take responsibility for those items…you can’t just leave them in there wily nilly…they don’t just get up and walk into the trash can themselves. (Although if you wait long enough, they might.)

 

Then there’s the things people leave in the office fridge. Let’s be honest with each other for a second here folks, are you really going to go back and eat that mushy apple, banana, half empty (or full for the optimists) carton of yogurt, or non-covered “works” slice of pizza? From the refrigerators I’ve seen, the answer is a resounding “no!” One time, a buddy of mine and I threw a way in MAY a carton of milk from FEBRUARY. Now again folks…milk isn’t wine okay? It doesn’t get better with age…in fact, the opposite happens. It gets worse, AND it stinks. One time, a power outage forced a complete dump off all the fridges in the office. Best thing that ever happened to that place (besides me).

 

Then there is the issue of the lunch container. I’ll make this brief. Folks, it’s called a cooler for a reason, you put a couple of those ice things in it and you are golden. What you don’t need to do is take your tailgate-sized cooler and place it in the fridge for several hours, restricting the space for the non-cooler folks, you know, the considerate ones. If you do that, you need to take some kind of cooler 101 class and you probably need a good whack on the noggin.

Finally, we come to the issue of theft. I firmly believe that just as much as you remember what you put in the fridge, you also remember what you didn’t put in the fridge. Over the years I have had two or three of those healthy choice lunches stolen out of the office fridge. I’ve also had my labeled butter swiped occasionally…and I may have even had the thief actually tell me I was running low. Most recently, I left a sealed Diet Dr. Pepper in one of the fridges in my office accidentally right before I took some time off to be with my family and our new addition. Soda is fine you see, because it is sealed and doesn’t stink with age! When I came back, it was gonzo. Again, how do you open a fridge, see something in there, know you didn’t put it in there, and take it? How does that work? “Boy, I sure am thirsty, hey! Look at this! A free diet DP! Eureka!” I did not leave a note, but I wanted to. If you are ever in a situation like that, I suggest leaving one like this:

Coming soon: The Office Bathroom

The Movie Taser

After a long hiatus, my wife and I finally returned to the movie theater to see Iron Man 2. I can’t even remember the last time I went to see a movie, maybe Avatar, who knows, not important.

As I was sitting there waiting for the show to start, I noticed a rather obnoxious group of teenagers in the back making snarky comments. Now, to be fair, they only talked during the previews and did not do anything to disrupt the movie. However, there is never a dull moment in my mind when the wheels are spinning and their yapping gave me a great idea; The Movie Taser.

I’ve had some experience working security at an NBA arena and I can tell you that we guards were, for the most part, are not really equipped to handle an unruly fan. In fact, perhaps I’ll share my top moments as a security guard on this blog…but that is for another day. The point is, if someone really wanted to challenge us, we wouldn’t have much recourse in the moment. The same holds true for movie ushers. They walk in with their little orange flash light, adjust the air or the sound, and if people are talking and what have you, they ask them to keep it down. Most of these ushers are like 17-18, tops and just don’t have the authority to throw out a gabbing group of teens. So, why not tase them? It wouldn’t have to be the full shock you get from a normal taser, just a little something to subdue them and allow them, and others to enjoy the show. Simple, yet remarkably effective.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I too, was one of these teens. But here’s the difference…we were funny! Our comments were always well-timed and appropriate. None of this constant yapping about nothing in particular…no, for us, it was an art form, not an annoyance. I can’t speak for the “old people” in the theaters we were in, but we were never not once asked to be quiet or to leave. So, I rest my case.

Some will argue that the potential is there for more “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” incidents in the middle of a theater. That is why I suggest we go the extra step and insert a mini taser into each chair. An usher can observe from above and anyone who causes a stir gets a little zap. No causing a scene, no anger, nothing like that, just a little shock to subdue the chatterbox in the back.

Moviegoers will thank me later once this catches on.

The HOV Conundrum

If I haven’t beaten my readers over the head with it enough already, let me just say, I am on the road a lot. I have a very long commute to and from work every day. I would say I’m in the car somewhere in between 17-20 hours a week. I feel like I am a long-haul truck driver in a 2003 Corolla…but all I’m hauling is myself (a challenge some mornings, especially towards the end of a long week) Being on the road so much has allowed me to not only observe the driving habits of others and comment, but also to question how valuable my time truly is. Is it worth say, $125?

Herein lies the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) conundrum. Most days, I find myself sitting in traffic on East-bound 66 heading into work and watching the cars in the HOV lanes just zoom right by me…and it makes me wonder what it is worth to me to get to work or more importantly home a little faster. I figure that if I used the HOV, I could shave anywhere from 15-25 minutes off my drive (in ideal circumstances). That’s a good amount of time.

Given these thoughts, I decided to take a look at what it might cost me to do this if I were caught. The breakdown goes like so:

• First offense $125
• Second offense: $250 plus 3 points on your driving record
• Third offense: $500 plus 3 points on your driving record
• Fourth offense: $1,000 plus 3 points on your driving record
  
  (Source: vdot)

Now, after poking around the Virginia Department of Transportation (VDOT) website, I came across some outstanding Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about violating the HOV lanes. My favorite was this one: “I’m pregnant, do I count as one people or two?” Awesome.

Despite the fact that the odds of getting caught are probably in my favor, I think I’ll take a safer approach and go shopping for a mannequin to ride along with me to work so I can sail into work in the HOV lane undetected.

 

One more observation from the road before I end this post; I am a very patient person, I really am. I don’t get road rage much, I’m not a terribly aggressive driver, I go fast but not too fast and mostly importantly, I would really like to get where I am going without other people getting in the way. Yes, that means you light blue Sentra that treated the speed bump like it was 7 feet tall…but I digress.

My lone requirement of other drivers is thus: If you cannot beat a semi, a bus, a U-Haul, or any kind of large sized slow vehicle off the line or in a 10 mile stretch, you should not be on the road, period. End of discussion. If the garbage or mailman is consistently beating you off the line and is flying by you on the road, it’s time to turn in your license, get a motorized scooter and live out your days causing traffic jams at wall mart. This way, I’ll never see you, because I hate going to Wal-Mart. See? It’s a win/win for both of us. /end rant.

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac?” – George Carlin

Time For a Mustache?

As the now proud and hard working father of two, I’ve noticed a number of changes in my life. For one, I’ve found more and more pink in my world than there as ever been, and I am getting very adept at the orienteering talents of Dora the explorer as well as getting good at anticipating the movements of her nemesis Swiper.

Some of the more manly colors I see like grey have only found their way into my hair as I stress about taking care of my crew of women. Something has to change. It might be time for a mid-life, or in my case, early life crisis! It might be time, for a mustache!

I seem to recall when I was growing up many of the kids fathers I was aware of had mustaches…it was the fatherly thing to do. Hey, my dad had one, and even a beard for a good long while, so why not me?

I’m sure that an argument could be made against this, noting that a mustache is really more of a Magnum P.I. type thing to do…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…or perhaps would better suit a silent actor.

 

But I ask, how dignified does news anchor Ron Burgundy look with his nose tickler? How about local favorites Jim Vance or Leon Harris? And I answer; dignified, fatherly, cool, that’s how they look. This is how I could look.

 

I can hear the haters already saying, “Andrew, don’t embarrass yourself, you probably couldn’t grow one if you tried.” Rest assured, I’ve heard your complaints loud and clear and believe me, if I didn’t have the support of many, I wouldn’t even be going down this road. No no, not my spouse or my daughters. I mean the American Mustache Institute. Established to help with facial hair advocacy, the AMI supports those Americans who choose to have a mustache not be discriminated against. This is a cause I could get behind.

As a mustached American, I could also be entitled to a tax benefit: “The STACHE Act offers incentives for people of Mustached American heritage in the form of a $250 deduction for expenditures for mustache grooming supplies in the determination of Adjusted Gross Income.” So you see, it is not only my duty as a husband and father to grow a mustache, but it is my duty as a tax-paying patriotic American to grow a mustache.

I could even be president some day…